Revisiting ‘Circle of Change’ as a trans person

If you are looking for a sign, this is it. When I wrote Circle of Change, I was tentatively identifying as genderqueer, and Circle was an extended, wistful attempt to imagine what it would be like to actually transition.

During the intervening years, I’ve made substantial changes in my life (as some of you will know, if you have read any of the social media posts from my Real Name writer pages). I’ve changed to using male pronouns, changed my name, and have explored some of the more technical options for altering my body.

Going back to Circle as a trans person has been emotionally unsettling. It’s reminded me of how much I wanted this process to happen. And I’ve had the eerie experience of re-reading a scene I wrote a decade ago that has since happened in my life. It’s one of the key emotional points of Circle, to do with acceptance and rejection of identity, and it played out exactly as I had written. How much does my subconscious know, if it puts scenes like that in my stories? How universal are these experiences? It took me some time to process the experience of re-reading the scene. Sometimes writing is hard.

If you were wondering, I would write some of the details differently now I’m transitioning in my own life, but I wouldn’t alter the core of the novel.

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